Why Everything We Sell Ends Up on the Floor

A reader wrote in this week with a question that deserves a serious answer, so here is an unserious one.

Our team did a careful study. By study we mean someone knocked it off the table to see what would happen.

The Short Version, Told Slowly

Experts agree that a loyalty program that pays in headbutts is essential. Experts also agree that this is a very long way of asking for a snack.

Our standard approach involves a loyalty program that pays in headbutts, followed by a returns policy enforced by staring, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

In summary: act confidently, deny everything, and always keep a clear route to the nearest box.